Saturday, July 5, 2008

Moving On

I know some of my last few blogs, barring the kd lang one, has been a bit of a downer but I promise to snap out of my malaise soon.

Why is moving on so bloody hard sometimes?

I find myself in a strange new postion that I haven't been in for at least two years. I recently loved a job I really liked, because I couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't the same happy, awesome place it was when I started two years ago; & for the most part, I'm relieved to be out of a place that had become very toxic & negative.But part of me is so sad, leaving is bittersweet because people I worked with who I love dearly have come & long since gone, people that remained, well some were okay, others completely useless to me. And so here I am, in the uneviable position of being unemployed yet again - this sucks. Change has never been easy for me, I hate change, but much as I hate it, & try to resist it, I know that it's something I need to do or otherwise, I'll stand still & be stagnant which I also hate too.

So, today as I face unemployment for the time being, I'm going to try to focus on the positive & focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses.

I'm finding that music is such a conduit to my emotions as of late. It really does have that kind of effect on me. Much as I've come to like his music, I cannot listen to Dustin O'Halloran's music for very long, because it's so sad in places, it just makes me weep. Same thing with kd langs' music, I love her to death but jeez, she just sings the line, "A thin ice covers my soul, my body's frozen & my heart is cold, and so much about me is raw" & it just kills me, depending on the mood I happen to be in at the time.

I really hate feeling so damn sensitive. I hate having my emotions on my sleeve all the time, because aside from being exhausting, it's just a big pain in the arse. I really need to develop a tougher outer shell, I wish I knew how to do that without having to compromise myself. Thing is though, I feel myself becoming so much more cynical & bitter about things that have gone on in my life. Small doses of cynicism is great, but a lot does absolutely no good.

I really feel the need to reinvent myself in a lot of different ways. Most importantly, I would dearly LOVE to break out of working retail as a career because working retail sucks, sucks, SUCKS! It's really a zero respect kind of job, managers, well, certain kinds of people who are managers are out for themselves & don't care who they stomp on in the process. My grandmother, who I loved, worked retail for years, I really don't want to be like her in the "career" sort of way, I want to be better than that, I think I could be capable of something better than that, It's marginal at best. But for now, I'm stuck, however, I need to start movitating myself to get a plan together to make my life better, because I know I'm the only one who can do that. Look out for number 1, I think, in a way, sometimes, that's a better way of thinking about things.

But I digress, moving on can be so terrifying at times, & yet very liberating & in that respect, I do feel liberated at not having to deal any longer with stupid stuff that's gone on at my job for a long time. So onwards & upwards is about the only way to look at it. New job, new fresh start, new everything.

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