Well I've been back for a few days now, having returned from Australia late on Thursday night. The road back was a hell of a journey, 19 1/2 hours on planes all the way home, but it was so worth it.
So I've been finding myself feeling a bit melancholy; for some reason. The trip while great & fantastic, was only a bit disappointing on one small level, while there, I didn't really meet anyone of any significance in a love kind of way. Along the way during my trip, I'd be out walking around & seeing couples be all lovey-dovey with each other. At one point at Sydney Airport, waiting to go home, a couple sitting directly in front of me were pashing all over the place, making me want to barf. It wasn't that I didn't want to meet anyone, it's just that opportunities didn't seem to present themselves too much; and, travelling alone, I wasn't about to go out clubbing or bar hopping by myself.
Along the way, in my moments of quiet reflection, one question that constantly kept popping up in my head, over & over again was - when will it be my turn? When will I finally have a great love of my life to love & fawn over me? As much as I say that it doesn't really bother me & that I'm cool being single & on my own, there are times, when it really tests me, & I hate it. It's such a lonely feeling. It makes me want to just drown in the sometimes vast ocean of my tears.
The stuff that I went through with my friend in Kelowna,still sits raw, so close to ths surface, threatening to make me just lose myself in sadness. It's still that painful to think about letting it all go. I miss her tremendously; more than I ever thought I would,I miss working with her & laughing with her about silly, stupid stuff, enjoying each other's company, walking her dog.I miss her.
I think is going to be a long, slow arduously painful process, because of the nature of it's complexities. Many times, my friend has told me,look outside myself to find happiness elsewhere, because she won't/can't give that to me, to look within myself for happiness. Can someone please tell me how to go about this? Sometimes it feels physically impossible to find happiness, let alone just be happy. Some days are easier than others. Perhaps all I've done is just come home to the same old shit. They say that time heals all wounds, maybe I'm being impatient, I always have been impatient because when I want something, I usually want it immediately.
Sometimes it just doesn't seem to be getting any easier. As the days go on, I want to reach out to her, talk to her, only, she wants nothing to do with me. After everything we went through together, doesn't she understand how painful that is to me? After everything I supposedly meant to her? All it does is fill me up with "why's?". I don't think it's something that I'll ever begin to understand. Why did she come into my life? Why did we become friends? Why did we decide to cross that line that never should've been crossed? Why did everything have to go to shit between us? Why,why, why,why, why, WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?
My heart aches. God damn it.