Thursday, December 13, 2007

Love is a Bitter Pill to Swallow

Love should be a really wonderful thing. It probably is for most people,I really don't know if it is for me. The very all-too-brief "thing" I went through recently has convinced me of this I think. What I know is, love, falling in love & being in love with someone should never be this difficult. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Love is just one of the most confusing, confounding, irritating,most maddening things in the world to me. For some reason, I seem to always fail at it so spectacularly. When it goes bad, it just makes you feel bitter & sad.

For those reasons, I think I've made a decision to just give up on it altogether. Of course I may end up changing my mind about it, I probably will, but for now, I think I'm just going to put my heart into retirement, because what's become obvious to me is, the people I seem to attract, when I fall for them, appear to think that I'm good enough to have fun with for a little while, but God forbid if it gets too serious, because otherwise I start to get the same old speech, "I'm not the one for you, I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved". Yep, gotta love that, it's a real kick in the teeth.

The thing that I really hate is, I can feel the bitterness ooze through every pore of my being. I know in my heart that I'm not really like this. I don't want to feel so bitter & jaded about love, because love should be a wonderful thing. It should fill your life & your heart with joy, it should make you live your life with joy & happiness. But I just don't think it's a wonderful thing for me because every single time I fall in love with someone, or think I do, I always end up getting the short end of the stick. It's not fair! In fact, it really sucks. So that's why I'm thinking of packing in my heart, because frankly, I have no faith in love at all. I've always had hope & faith in love, I've always believed it when I've been told ""the one" is out there just waiting for you". Well I just don't know if I have the strength to believe that anymore. It's just to friggin' hard.

I'll always believe in love for family, for friends, for cousins & cousin's kids, & friends' kids, & pets & animals of course, but love in the context of a partner-relationship? Nope, I'm done with that. I know it's not a popular stance to have, & it probably sounds really self indulgent & self pitying & whatever, but frankly right now, I just don't care. Love does not exist for me. I do love myself, but not enough to subject my heart to another bruising round of "you're good enough to mess around with but I can't love you the way you want to be loved". Nope, just can't do it anymore.

A friend of mine told me once that I should live my life with joy, to find joy in simple things. Right now, joy is just in really short supply in the orbit of my life, but I really hope it comes back because I really don't want to live like this. Maybe it'll come back when I least expect it to.

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