Monday, April 16, 2007

Random Stuff

You have many friends and they are worth more than whatever you think will make your wishes come true

Someone I work with sent this to me either late last night or this morning, a woman I work with. She & I could not be more vastly different & yet, we've sort of become fast friends, I think. Last night at work, we had a family & friends sale after hours, & I ended up having more than a few people come in to shop. I think I really surprised her at the number of friends I actually do have.

What she had to say touched me, it made me unexpectedly shed a few tears when I went to reply back to her. We really hardly know each other & yet, she managed to say so much to me in those few words. It's actually really freaky that she has a fairly accurate read on who I am. Am I that much of an open book? That obvious? I guess I am the type of person who wears her emotions on her sleeve, or rather, on her face. I'm definitely someone who can't hide how I'm feeling on my face, hahah.

I replied back to her that on a superficial level I suppose I am as happy as I can be, but on a deeper level happiness is more elusive to me, which I think is probably true. I try every day to always look at positives in any situation. I try to look at both sides of an issue. It's not always easy, sometimes it's a struggle. For the most part, I do feel very greatful to live in the country that I live in, that I was born to the family I was born into, that I have clean air to breathe, that I have a full time job, that I've been able to earn enough money to be able to realize my dream trip for next year. There's so much that I have to be happy & greatful for & yet, I remain somewhat unhappy on certain levels.

There are times when I really wish I had someone to come home to other than my parents & Tom the cat. I long to be in love with someone & to have some one love me back. This is the biggest thing lacking in my life & yet, at the same time, I am afraid to go out & seek it for myself because the one thing I hate feeling is vulnerable. To open myself up to be rejected or turned down or have my heart broken, I just think I can't bear it. I went thru it once, when I was younger & since then I've closed myself up to that again, only occationally attempting to remotely ask a guy out here & there, only to bomb terribly. It's just too hard to go thru that time & again. And yet, I hate being alone. Okay, so, I think I've said way too much as it is, so I'm just going to shut up right now, time to go back into my shell again.

No comments: